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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.