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God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.