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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)