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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.