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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.