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The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”