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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.