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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
never be afraid to wipe twice
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!