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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.