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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.