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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I am used but in good condition.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?