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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.