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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls