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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.