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Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
My body needs a refresh button.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.