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It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"