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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.