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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I look so young for my rage.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!