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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.