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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.