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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.