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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Bad decisions make good stories.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.