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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"