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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.