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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...