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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Been there, done that. allegedly
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.