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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Does running out of money count as exercise?
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.