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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.