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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Don’t jump to confusions.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium