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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.