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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject