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I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.