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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.