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A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.