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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.