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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone