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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I`m having an out of money experience.