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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
All milk is breast milk.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Ride me like you stole me.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.