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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.