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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.