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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm