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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.