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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Gun Control: Use both hands
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.