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People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.