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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.