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Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong