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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook