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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.