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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.