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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool