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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
AWESOME!