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I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.