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30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"