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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.