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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"