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The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
Chip clips are for quitters.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.