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Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.