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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
awesome collection!