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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"