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I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life