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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Word for the day is asstard
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.