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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.