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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.