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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.