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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.