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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.