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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.