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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.