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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
The fox says you need to stop.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
i like boobs