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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.