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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?