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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.