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Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.