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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.