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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”