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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....