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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.