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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..