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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”