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And then her mood ring just...exploded
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
It`s funny how when you post a status and some people think it`s about them..Hahahaha it was.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.