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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like