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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Walmart needs observation decks.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.