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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Everyone has fitness goals and Iām over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes