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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake