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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?