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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.