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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs