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Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut