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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!