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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I just made you think of an elephant
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.