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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.