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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.