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Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.