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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(