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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
I had your cake and ate it too.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.