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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.