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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
The problem with diets is pizza.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.