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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100