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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off