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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.