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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.