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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?