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I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
I like people... From a distance.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin