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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.