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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I`ve given up on giving up.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.