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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?