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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.