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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.