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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"