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Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?