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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.